Last few days of this dreaded year 2016!

And here I am back again.. waiting for this dreaded year to get over!
How should I sum up this year? maybe a mix of joy and frustration? Can't tell much!
Let's start with the good things that happened to me this year-
1) My parents came to the US for the first time.
2) I became a mother or a beautiful boy.
3) My husband moved to my city and finally we started living together.

Now, what could be the bad things?

Namesake?

Ever since I knew that I can give birth to a baby.. I thought that I would do this and that.. I would name the baby.. Guess what, once everyone knows that you are expecting... everyone becomes a name expert.. Everyone starts suggesting names.. including your husband.. and the names you thought of and held close to your heart for so long are just crushed like fallen old leaves in Fall..
You become just a baby carrier.. Everyone around you starts suggesting you to do this, that..
Your husband burdens you with his choice of things, names... Your parents, Your in laws.. Your friends.. What happens next?

You lose interest in participating in anything related to baby.. You just don't want to.. because you know no one will try to understand your emotions.. No one... So, you feel that its better to keep them to yourself.. You become numb to everything happening around you and just refrain from participating because you want to protect your own sanity and peace of mind..

Back to writing.. Last two days left of 2015! People are rejoicing and planning parties.. and here i am, Seeking for answers! Got married on 18th Nov this year.. Finally!! Also, found out i am going to have a baby! Whoa.. what a year! Happiness everywhere! Stop there !!!

      Happiness? Euphoria? Happily ever after? - Sorry to say, its a myth !

I am dealing with some weird issues here..

1) Both of us live in different cities. I am struggling since Mar 2015 to find a job in his city and not found one yet.
2) My body is reacting weirdly to pregnancy, increasing my ESR to crazy levels. I have swelling in both of my feet and tingling pain in my hands, arms, wrists and feet.
3) Doctor visits are killing me.. I am drowning financially. Don't know how to cut that!
4) Lease expiring on 1st march, don't know to extend it or not? If i extend another 3 months, i will have to break the lease and go and lose out more cash and impact on my credit score.
5) I am not able to go out with him much because of my body pains and everything.

I don't even feel like visiting him this time because again we will talk about these issues and i will get further depressed. I just feel like not talking to anyone.. just be close to myself.. I don't  know if that is depression.. But yes, i prefer my own company than being with vain people. People with no intellect bore me.. My husband is very flexible and open and he feels you cannot find someone who is faultless.. He likes to hang out, I am the complete opposite.. I feel more comfortable being at home! I am a loner and like being one.. Sometimes, i feel i am addicted to be being alone.. Its going to be hard for me to live with him and kids.. Because i like to break up from everyone and cave.. I can be in my shell for days without complains!! He loves throwing parties and attending parties.. And i said, i am allergic to vain people.. I am allergic to his set of friends.. whose only aim in life is to party , booze and get wasted. But this is the harsh reality.. Such people can be found everywhere.
So, how much can i avoid them? Can i ?

Dealing with multiple things at the same time... All i want to do is not give a f*ck to anyone and sleep.. and keep sleeping...

Back to writing after long... Very upset today... Drinking.. to sleep or in better words, just to forget everything and sleep... Sometimes, why is it so hard to explain simple things? I struggle a lot with this.. I don't know if anyone else also faces this like me.. This marriage thing is getting to me.. I am getting married to the most wonderful human being.. the one and the only one.. to whom i have dedicated all my blogs to. But, i am still not happy ! I am trying to figure out why is that?
Marriage in India is so complicated these days.. You have to put up an extravagant show and stand like puppets on stage. I hate unnecessary expenditure on things which have no ROI, eg- Marriage.
People will come, look at you, eat and go back home and what will you do?? Just figure out how to earn back the hard earned money you spent on pleasing all the assholes. And in this case, I feel like i am literally buying him from his parents. They have asked us to divide the reception expenditure which is like in tens of lacs. And that proposition makes no sense to me. But, i cannot raise my opinion because i don't make the rules here.. Parents do!! I am unhappy because all my hard earned money will get wasted in his parents selfish need of putting up a show and I will be broke after this marriage.
Practically, we will start a new life.. A new life with 0 bank balance.. What kind of happily ever after life is that? Does everyone have to go through that or is it only me? On the top of that, my mother is no less. Because its a love marriage, she is adamant on pointing out flaws in his parents attitude or his nature. Sometimes, i feel she doesnt want this marriage to happen. Maybe, because he belongs to a different religion. She keeps on ranting the same thing over and over..If i would have married a guy of the same religion, we wouldnt be broke and that we would have done my marriage very nicely.
Now, we have no money after my marriage and we will have to listen to people's gibberish about inter-religion marriage and that people will mock at us for being a hypocrite.
Where am i at fault here? For choosing a person of a different religion whom i love and who loves me back? For her sake, i talked to around 100 guys over almost 3 years and met with around 10 of them. I couldn't like them or say, wasn't fully convinced.

Anyway, I should feel elated.. I am getting married and here i am, sulking about everything...about my weight, my paranoid mother, my caring fiance and my status & society conscious in-laws!

Euphoria or Paranoia?

I am back.. writing about him again.. Its surprising that everytime i sit to write about something.. I end up writing about him...Sometimes, people don't
realise how much impact they create and leave on our minds, on our hearts.. I am sure neither will he ever have the time to read whatever i wrote nor will he understand..
I love him so much that it consumes me.. He consumes me.. and i like to be devoured by him.. He is my dark prince, My Christian Grey..(from 50 shades of grey).
I am addicted to the thought of him...of being with him.. of his bodily perfume... of his hands..his hands on me... his touch.. his puppy eyes...
And they say sometimes, you get addicted to a certain kind of sadness too.. and sometimes even that sadness brings out the best in you.. Only a few months have
passed by after what i wrote last.. and what forced me to write again is none other than him... Yes! Its him again!
  Sometimes, you never know what made you feel about that one person that way.. maybe its better that way.. Not knowing why you love someone so deeply..
Because knowing it might defeat the whole purpose of love... And surprisingly, he asks me everytime... what did you see in me? Why is it you who could
see what a mess i am and were able to love me..ignoring my imperfections.. Frankly, I don't know the answer..I don't even know what will i do if i get him..
That thought drives me nuts... What do you do when you are just a few steps away from getting that one thing or a person?
           YOU GET EXTREMELY PARANOID !!! YES!! YOU START GETTING STUPID DREAMS !! ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS FANTASIZING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME !!

That's what is happening to me... That euphoria is slowing turning into paranoia... 

Sometimes i just feel i should stop praying and believing in God...because he always favors the undeserving ones...
Loved, longed, Left, Loathed, Lost, Loved, Left, Longed, Loved, Left, Longing....
Bole to L lage pade hain

Is it only me or someone else also has gone through this?
A person keeps coming in and going out of your life.. and you inspite of pretending to be too strong, allow him to... And that person conveniently keeps on judging you and you just can't help yourself from wanting them... Sometimes you donot even know why you want someone so much.. even if they are harmful for your good.. May be this is what we call as 'love'... But why is it that the person fails to understand what you feel for them... How can someone be so insenstive, incognitive and selfish?

Everytime i break ties, coincidentally or intentionally the person comes back.. I mean i can give a fantastic story to Bollywood... How is this practically possible that the other person doesn't know or fails to understand what have you felt for them for all these years.. and they keep judging you for something which you did when they were not there in your life...

When will this person Permanently go from my life??? Or when will he understand that no one in this world can love him more than me? I can give this statement on a stamp paper.. Yes, I can !!! But of no use...
The other person keeps on judging you and keeps on ranting how much i have fought with him... without even acknowledging the fact that how much i have loved and longed him...

I have never longed for someone in my life except for this person.. and i am damn sure that i won't long or love someone else the same way i loved him...

Sometimes i feel so miserable that i waited for years for somebody so unworthy...

"duniya choona chaahe mujhe yuu.. jaise unki saari ki saari main...
Duniya chaahe roop mera, koi na jaane bechaari main...
haaye tooti saari ki saari main, tere ishq mein hui awaari main...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S1IhJ_DHjw